The Club Men Chronicles
July '08
Tadger
Not many about tonight like? It’s gone six o clock an all – place is normally heaving. All the DSS lads and that – where are they – mebbes there’s a match on?
They’re big on the football them boys – call theirselves ‘The Ultras’ when they’re in a mob like, daft bastards.
‘Pint of Special Jackie – bit quiet like innit?’
‘That’s the strike Tadge’
‘What strike’s that like – there’s nee mines left?’
‘Nah man, the DSS are all on strike?’
‘Heh heh, good lads, stick it right up the government that’s what I say – what are they striking aboot?’
‘Wages and that I think. Politicians are saying neeone can have a big payrise to cover the increased cost of living but then they’re giving themselves shiteloads extra on top of all the perks they scam off the taxpayer already. ‘
‘Ah right, so the lads are up in arms at the unfairness of it all then Jackie aye?’
‘That’s aboot the size of it Tadge’
‘Fair play to them I say, them MP’s need to realise we employ them not the other way round – in fact if I paid tax I’d be livid meself.’
‘Agree with you there like Tadge but there’ll be sacrifices have to be made and ramifications and consequences to all this you kna.’
‘Well every war has it’s casualties Jack and, as you know, I’m a union man through and through. In fact if them lads was here now I’d buy them all a pint…’
‘You’d best not Tadge. Keep your cash in your pocket you might need it the morra.’
‘How d’you mean like?’
‘Well if they’re all on strike the day then you’re not likely to get your giro the morra kidda are you?’
‘The lazy, workshy, militant fucking bastards, any excuse to stay off graft – they should all be sacked…I’ll tell them if they come in here later.’
Pete
‘Here Bill where’s Dennis? It’s a Friday neet he never misses a Friday.’
‘That’s bollocks Jim, Dennis only comes down here when his missus is out.’
‘Nah that’s bollocks Pete, Dennis is always out on a Friday, more than you anyway.’
‘Well where is he tonight then Bill?’
‘He’s out with his wife, it’s their anniversary.’
‘Anniversary! You don’t celebrate anniversaries on a Friday neet, that’s what Saturdays are for.’
‘How would you know, you’ve never been married.’
‘That’s because one woman isn’t enough for me.’
‘Bollocks non-woman is enough for you, when was the last time you got a shot off?’
‘Last night round yours when you were on night-shift. Anyway back to Dennis, have you noticed how he’s never been out on a Friday since that Big Brother started.’
‘What?’
‘Aye it’s a fact. That Big Brother thing has been on for three weeks now and Dennis hasn’t been out for the last three Fridays.’
‘He’s been to a funeral, a works do and his anniversary, Dennis never misses a Friday.’
‘Nah I’m telling you Jim, I’ve seen him in here reading about it and heard him talking on his mobile about it to his lass.’
‘Nah Dennis wouldn’t watch that shite Pete, it’s for divvies.’
‘Well I know different Jim, and so does Bill, in fact he probably watches it as well, I reckon he gets his lass to tape it for him and then him and Dennis vote people out.’
‘Bollocks man Pete, you’re pissed.’
‘I’m not like Bill, but I am going for a piss, watch me pint.’
‘Jesus Bill what was all that about?’
‘Not sure Jim…What’s that noise.’
‘It’s Pete’s mobile, look…..Shit I’ve pressed the answer button….Hello, Oh hello Mrs Crawford., your Pete’s just gone to the toilet, can I give him a message. What’s that….Oh right, Rebecca’s been voted off Big Brother….yes Mrs Crawford I’m sure he will be gutted.’
Knocker
‘Pint of special Bessie’
By that was hard work that was last neet. It’s all right flogging them cock pills but having to deal with them youngsters is a nightmare. It’d be easier if they was buying them when they came in the club you kna. I mean if you could just say to them ‘listen son, you’re here for the disco there’s loads of young lasses with short skirts on up there and you’re gonna be pissed and horny by last orders so buy some of these blueys off us now and save me a load of bother later.’
But no, the fuckers all come and bother us at eleven o clock cos they cannit get the little fella to wake up and they’re grabbing me arm and slurring spit ower me top and everything. The lasses are the worst an all, they’re not shy about what they want and why they want it – don’t care who’s listening neither. It’s enough to make even a broadminded man like meself blush sometimes.
Mind you there’s perks like, you sometimes gets older women at these disco’s and they don’t want no young twats, they like your more sophisticated older chap. Specially one who’s got his own supply of cock pills and runs the door.
The owld fellas moan aboot these disco nights but as I’ve said at the committee meetings, it all helps pay the rates and keep the club open doesn’t it. At the end of the day it’s all about providing the local community with a club to be proud of, somewhere for the working men of this parish to go and forget their troubles and a place to hold the kids parties at christmas.
Well that, selling me pills and getting me leg ower anyway.
Davey Dunlop
What’s going on in this country? A disabled bloke arrested for wrestling with two burglars while they get off scott free – ridiculous. A normal lad stops a gang of kids from throwing bloody rocks through his windows by waving a bit of wood at them and he gets nicked – Pissing stupid that man.
Is it any wonder the little gets are running wild? A cannit be the only person who can see that if you don’t discipline the sods early they grow up to be wild men. Mind you the lasses are as bad – always drunk and fighting and getting their clothes off, divvent mind that bit so much like heh, heh.
Nah, they need the parents with them at an early age, none of this out drinking and leaving them to fend for themselves that’s just dereliction of duty that is man.
Aye, as a staunch committee and family man I think it’s my duty to help save this country by voting against the main point on the agenda tonight.
‘Should women be allowed in the club?’
Aye, it’s for the good of the country if we knock that one back. Definitely.
‘Pint of Special bessie love.’
Doug
Alf looks a bit deep in thought; best not to catch his eye, he’ll just start spouting off about the American gangs again. I can’t be arsed with all that tonight, these night-shifts are killing me, I shouldn’t be doing them at my age but the money’s too good. Jesus I’m glad it’s Friday, but I can’t see me lasting long tonight, not after getting up early today.
That was her fault an all like, her and that bloody cat. I hate the thing. If it was up to me I’d have left it to die today, but no, she wanted to take it to the vet. So not only does it deprive me of today’s sleep, it also deprives me of the money I’m killing myself to make on these shifts. So my thoughts about wanting it to die today are fully justified, it’s no exaggeration to say that indirectly, that cat is fucking killing me.
Well that and these shifts, maybe I should ask for a dayshift role, I’d lose five grand a year but what price your health? We could easily cut back to accommodate it, get rid of the cat for a start, and her car, she never uses it, only took her test because her sister did. Saying that though we do get four trips abroad a year, be a shame to miss out on those, but these nights are killing me.
‘What was that Doug?’
Bollocks I must have been thinking out loud. He misses nowt that Davey Dunlop.
‘Oh nothing Davey, just thinking out loud.’
‘Aye so I heard, those shifts getting to you?’
‘Aye mate, they’re killing me.’
‘He’s after more nights you know.’
‘Who?’
‘King Arthur! Ha, ha, ha.’
Twat!