Davey Dunlop
‘Here Dennis have you seen this?’
‘What’s that mate?’
‘This story in The Sun, it reckons that twenty five percent of violent crime is now carried out by females.’
‘Well I don’t know about that but most robbery is. Two years I was married and it cost me half of everything, she even got the dog and she hated him.’
‘Nah man Dennis, this is mainly on about girl gangs.’
‘Girl gangs?’
‘Aye gangs of lasses going out mugging people.’
‘Lasses mugging, what’s the world coming to Davey.’
‘Well I think it’s shocking on two accounts. The obvious one being that lasses are getting more violent, but the other one is that it means blokes must be getting softer, imagine getting robbed off a bunch of girls.’
‘Never, I’d just give them a skelp around the ear and send them home to cook me dinner and do the washing up.’
‘Ha, ha, aye and then you could get them to make your bait for the next days graft.’
‘Oh aye, and then I’d go out and spend their housekeeping on the drink and the horses. It’s right what you’re saying though Davey, lads must be getting softer.’
‘They are, have you seen the shite haircuts they have these days. Anyway fancy another one?’
‘What times it like?’
‘It’s only half eight.’
‘Half eight, SHITE! Wor lass’ll kill us.’
’Big Al
‘Alright Tadger? Have you seen Knocker tonight?’
‘Nah not yet Al, but he’s due in. What you after like, more of them cock pills?’
‘Shut up man, I don’t need any pills to keep the big lad perky.’
‘That’s not what Knocker reckons; he said since you had your first one last month you’ve never left him alone.’
‘Bollocks, I’m getting them for some mates that’s all.’
‘Oh, flogging them on at a profit, Knocker won’t like that.’
‘Nah, I’m not flogging them I’m giving them away.’
‘Now it’s you talking bollocks, I’ve never seen you give so much as a tip on the horses away.’
‘Straight up Tadger, I’m onto a winner with these pills; promise to say nowt and I’ll tell you.’
‘Aye go on then, I promise.’
‘Nah Tadger, I mean you better promise. You cannot tell any fucker about this.’
‘Aye, I promise, I’ll say absolutely fuck all.’
‘Good I’ve been dying to tell someone, the reason I’ve been getting so many pills is because since I walloped the wife on that first night she can’t get enough.’
‘Always was a bit of a girl, your lass.’
‘Watch it Tadge, Anyhow it’s not only her but she’s told her mates at work and I’ve been getting the pills for them as well.’
‘Fuck off!’
‘Nah really, and guess what?’
‘What?’
‘Not all of them are married, eh, nudge, nudge, wink, wink’
‘Fuck off, you’re not getting pills for your lasses mate and then shagging them.’
‘Do you promise not to say owt’
‘I’ve said I promise, but I don’t believe you.’
‘Get this Tadger, it’s my lass who suggested it, and we’ve been swapping couples with some of the married ones.’
‘Fuck off…..really?’
‘Aye honest. It’s another world, like ancient Rome or something, Every weekend we’re at parties.’
‘HOO LISTEN UP LADS, I TOLD YOU I’D FIND OUT. YOU CAN COME OUT AS WELL NOW KNOCKER. RIGHT THEN THE REASON BIG AL’S BEEN GETTING ALL THOSE COCK PILLS IS BECAUSE HIM AND HIS LASS ARE SWINGERS…HA, HA, I KNOW I SAID I WOULDN’T SAY NOWT AL, BUT YOU DIDN’T SAY I COULDN’T SHOUT IT…HA HA!!’
‘Fuck.’
Doug
This paper’s full of shite today like.
Look at that, another set of chancers re-arranging the deckchairs while the ship sinks and the captain hangs on for dear life.
Do these fuckers in charge not realise that they’re just demeaning theirselves when they cling on for their big payout? Can they not show some dignity in the face of defeat? What happened to the British Stiff upper lip?
I mean he’s ruined the whole nation, knackered our economy and filled the place with foreigners – he has to go and he should be man enough to do it now.
I mean look at him in that paper there, gurning with his one good eye.
Aye, I tell you, that Dennis Wise has a lot to answer for.
Sid
Have you ever watched Formula One?
It’s bollocks isn’t it – procession of cars going round a track in a line for hours on end. Well, I say cars, they’re more like spaceships for all the resemblance they bear to your average family petrol guzzler.
Red one, blue one, red one with white bits, different shade of blue one – same winners all the time they just swap positions a bit and whoever’s got the most money wins the title.
Actually am I talking about motor racing or football?
I divvent kna, I get confused after three pints these days – hoo Bessie, how many have I had?
Seven.
Fuck it – best give us another one – there’s a race or match or something on in a minute.
Tadger & Smudge
Heard about Alf?
Aye, sad enough like but what can you do?
I was only drinking with him last week – talking about America and that.
Aye, he loved spraffing about them gangs like did Alf.
To think though he fought in a world war, survived everything the Erics could hoy at him, lived through recessions and strikes. He even got through them riots in the eighties without a scratch only to get MRSA when he went to hospital for a routine operation.
Ya right like, Government want fucking shooting, how hard can it be to keep a fucking hospital clean?
A land fit for heroes? A land run by wankers with no idea more like – as long as they’re alright eh…
Not wrong there kidda, you gannin to the funeral?
Aye everyone’s gannin, club’s sending a wreath and that. We’ll have a minutes silence for the old fucker later on and then the usual.
What the Brown Ale bottle?
Aye, we’ve got thirty four of them on top of the optics now like. Thirty four absent friends.
Shame to waste that beer like.
Aye Alf wouldn’t have been happy about that. Do the committee just pay for it out of respect and that like?
Do we fuck - it comes straight out of the collection.
Heh heh heh…